Werepire LesYAY!
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Riza has jealous girls stalking her. Reiri has girls asking her if she's living in sin with the red-headed gaijin. Everyone's telling them to stop being in denial. When did they become a couple and not know it? Les-yay, Riza/Reiri fun, CRACK! and denial.
1. We Are Not A WerePire Couple!

A/N: Exactly what it says on the tin, more or less, since there's a shocking lack of it in the archives. One. That was all I saw. ONE! Barely! Travesty!

Besides, it's so obviously THERE! Remember the time they were handcuffed together?

* * *

Werepire Les-YAY!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Princess Resurrection, other anime and manga, not mine. Please don't sue me.

* * *

Riza Wildman, half-blood werewolf extraordinaire, had begun to suspect something was off when she began to realize she was being stalked. At first, she hadn't been concerned. Their scents told her they were merely human, and since they hadn't jumped her immediately, that ruled out all manner of human-smelling life-forms out for her blood. No big deal.

Over the next few days, however, the stalkers numbers had increased, such that she'd felt vaguely concerned, in a purely instinctive way. Predators don't like the feeling they're being surrounded, even if it is by field mice. She caught glimpses of her stalkers, girls wearing the uniform of the school Hiro went to. It wasn't hard. They were amateurs, all of them, and idiots to boot. She'd sometimes had fun with them by suddenly going into a dead run, or hopping onto her motorcycle and blasting off. The sight of them hacking their lungs out as they tried to keep up with her either on foot or their own bicycles had bought her some amusement, but it hadn't lasted. Eventually, the whole thing just began to annoy her.

Confronting them had done no good. They'd just stood there glaring at her angrily or enviously– which she didn't get, because she'd never met these people in her life!– until she'd ran of breath, patience, self-control, or all three. She bitterly regretted the fact she was much too honorable a person to just beat the crap out of them– _them_ being defined as defenseless weaklings– to get them out of her life.

Things might have stayed this way and slowly driven her mad if not for one of the coincidences of life that are at least called serendipity and at most called Fate. She'd been picking up Hiro at his school so that he could pick up some things at the grocery for his sister when she saw _them_. they were crowded around **_That-Damned-Vampire_**, obviously hanging on to her every word and gazing at said tramp with an adoring light that went beyond admiration and crossed the border to the realm of the creepy.

It was all she could do not to go stomping over and beat the damned vampire's face in…

* * *

_The blood is the life_. Out of context Bible quote or not, Reiri could only agree as she sat, delicately suckling the blood that trickled down Negiko's finger. The girl trembled slightly as she always did during this private ritual of 'theirs' and Reiri wondered if she appreciated the symbolic Freudian significance of her fingers as a phallic symbol as Reiri partook of her warm protein-laden liquid life-force. Probably not. Most likely it was because Reiri knew she was good with her tongue. Semi-almost-thralled kine or not, there was no need to make it unpleasant for the girls she fed on, minute as it was. Quite the contrary. It was only sensible to let them know she appreciated this.

"Kamura-sama," Negiko said, sounding a bit nervous as Reiri sensuously licked her finger, lingering a moment on the small cut she'd made at the base.

"Yes?" Reiri said, only half-paying attention as she stroked small circle's on the back of the girl's hand. Quite aside from feeling nice, it helped blood circulation.

"Is it true that you… that you live with that gaijin woman who goes around town on a motorcycle?" Negiko said tremulously.

Reiri's face went blank, and she deliberately relaxed her grip on the girl's hand. It wouldn't do to crush her bones, after all. No, not at all. Phalanges were very painful to set. Best not to take chances. "Why do you ask, Negiko-chan?" she said, deliberately cleaning off the last of the blood from her fingers and kissing the cut closed.

"Oh!" Negiko said, sounding heart-broken and instantly making Reiri go on the alert. Dangers of vampire society was one thing, but she knew perfectly well, normal human school dynamics could be equally dangerous and annoying. "Oh Kamura-sama, so it's true! When I heard the rumors, I didn't want to believe it, I knew in my heart that you wouldn't do such a thing, but now that you've said it, I–"

Reiri rolled her eyes, grabbed the girl by her hair, and pulled Negiko towards her, their meeting lips instantly shutting the other girl up. She both senses and felt blood rushing to certain part of the other girl's anatomy.

Gently, she drew back, meeting the other girl's gaze, her own eyes hypnotic. "Explain yourself to me, _kohai_," she whispered in the girl's ear. After all, why mess with what works?

When she was finally able to make sense of the girl's disjointed babbling, Reiri wasn't sure if she should laugh or throw up.

* * *

Vampire faced werewolf as Reiri closed the door of Hime's mansion, trapping in the tension and instantly causing metaphorical static to crackle in the air.

"What's the big idea, sending your little pets to stalk me around town!" Riza cried, one large paw pointing at Reiri.

"You tell me," Reiri said. "They seemed to have gotten the idea that the two of us are living in sin together."

Riza's face blanched, her face becoming nauseous. For one, Reiri agreed with her rather than be amused.

"Yes," the vampire said. "Do that for an hour, and you might be where I am now."

"That is SICK!"

"Quite," Reiri said. "To think I would lower myself as to have an affair with a bitch like you… preposterous!"

"_Excuse me?!?!?!_ Like I'd settle for tramp like you! A great warrior such as myself deserves better!"

"Beast!"

"Panty flasher!"

"Freeloader!"

"Kettle, black!"

The two glared at each other as Flandre swept the floor. "Fuga."

"You know," Hime said, completely deadpan from the top of the stairs. "It's conversations like this that make people think that you two are involved."

"_HEY!!!!_" was the stereo response.

She shrugged, unconcerned. "I can't say I blame them. Even _I_ get that impression, and I am not subject to human follies."

The two glared at her, argument momentarily forgotten as she turned, heading for the parlor.

They shared a look of enemies who have unfortunately found themselves on the same boat, and need to admit they have a problem before they could do anything about it.

"We're not that bad, are we?" Riza said, almost pleadingly. "I mean, these are your fangirls talking. They're not exactly rocket scientists."

"They are a bit dim," Reiri said, not really deigning to agree with the werewolf. It just wasn't done. "Perhaps a more intelligent, objective opinion…"

* * *

They went to Sawawa first. She was the most normal person in the house, after all.

"Oh, you mean you're _not_ a couple?" Hiro's sister said in wide-eyed oblivion, as she prepared Hime's tea.

The two quickly decided she didn't count, since she was, let's face it, pretty oblivious and not all there.

"Oh, don't be coy about it, Reiri-kun," Zeppeli said as he polished some knickknack or other he'd recently acquired. "You're already an outcast from vampire society. I don't think a tendency towards lesbian bestiality will be any more detrimental to your standing."

Reiri and Riza had thrown a desk and a sofa at him, respectively, before throwing him out the window.

"Fuga?" Francisca said, managing in one word to convey that she thought they were being utterly ridiculous, and that of course they were a lesbian couple. Ryu-Ryu nodded along in agreement.

A gynoid and a panda's opinon, it was then agreed, also didn't count.

"DUH!" Sherwood said, looking up from her Akamatsu manga. "Could you two _be_ any more obvious?"

They'd duct-taped her to the ceiling, leaving her shouting obscenities at their backs.

"It's not possible!" Riza muttered. "We can't be a couple! We don't even _like_ each other! We want to tear each other to pieces!"

"Fuga?" Flandre suggested as she dusted.

"No, it's _not_ just underlying sexual tension!" Reiri snapped at the gynoid.

Riza slammed a fist into her palm. "Hiro! He's too oblivious to pick up on anything! He'll tell us we're not a couple!"

"Isn't that cheating?"

"Does it matter?"

"… Where's Hiro?"

* * *

Hiro would like to say it's not every day he suddenly gets accosted by an amorous vampire and an annoyed werewolf. People go through most of their lives without ever meeting one or the other, much less both. Unfortunately for Hiro, for him this only meant it was Wednesday.

"Huh?" he said in a feat of scintillating conversation. Given that Riza was glaring at him from three feet away– well within effective maiming range– and Reiri was nuzzling the side of his neck and making cooing noises, this was pretty good. "Um, could you please say that again?"

"It's simple, Hiro," Riza repeated, teeth gritted so hard he could barely make her words out as anything other than growls. "Do you think Reiri and me are a couple or not?" Her tone clearly indicated a wrong answer would result in violence.

"Now be honest Hiro-kun," Reiri said, licking the spot where she'd bitten him one and causing him to jerk. "Tell us the truth."

He looked at the frantically– well, as best as he could considering one was at the side of his neck– and felt his survival instinct sending emergency messages. "I really don't wan to get involved in whatever this is…"

_"ANSWER!" _Riza roared.

Hiro winced. "You'rekindalikeacouple," he said in one breath, bracing himself for whatever his fate was to be.

There was dead silence. Reiri drew back from his neck.

"Well… thank you for being honest, Hiro-kun," Reiri said, voice sounding tense with emotion. "Come on beast, let's not bother poor Hiro anymore."

"GRFRAGH," Riza gritted through– or perhaps _against_– her teeth.

Hiro risked opening his eyes as the two of them exited his room. He sigh in relief. "So obvious," he muttered under his breath.

"DIE HIRO!" came Riza's battle cry as the wall collapsed inward…

* * *

"Honestly, just because the vampire and the werewolf are suffering relationship anxiety is no reason to be so rude," Sherwood said as s he shared tea with her sister in one of their few civil family moments. Off to one side, Francisca and Flandre were exchanging quiet "Fuga"-s of conversation why the three pandaketeers ate bamboo.

"Hmm…" was all Hime said as drank from her won cup, letting her sister rant. She still smelled slightly of duct tape.

One wall burst apart, letting in a bleeding and frantically trying to escape Hiro, a Raging werewolf, and a vampire trying to hold her back. The matched pairs of blondes and gynoids watched as Riza continued to try beating Hiro to death with Reiri held her back, hands grasping for the only places she could safely reach, since the other girl's oversized fluffy arms were swinging around wildly.

Sherwood shook her head in disgust. "Such blatant public groping. Honestly, why deny it?" Then the rest of the scene clicked. "Hey! Leave my Hiro alone! Ryu-Ryu, stop them!"

Flandre and Francisca exchanged looks. "Fuga?" the former said. _I wonder if cousin Chachamaru has days like this._

"Fuga." _We should have gone to work for the army like cousin Kurumi and cousin Mahoro._

* * *

"We are not a lesbian couple!" Ayaka and Asuna protested.

Kazumi tut-ed as she held hands with Sayo possessively. "Now now, you two, it's only funny up to a point. Best to just admit it and get one with your lives, like Setsuna-san has."

Setsuna gave a thumbs-up of agreement but otherwise gave no other response as Konoka proceeded to continue kissing the breath out of her, the mage's hands roaming across the swordswoman's LEGENDARY suit of AWESOMENESS.

Suit up!

* * *

**- END!**

* * *

A/N: Hime is badass. Seriously, dual-wielding chainsaws in a fight? And she seems to have a preference for power-tools as weapons, in the early parts of the manga anyway, though a chainsaw is still her weapon of choice. A good thing she'd technically not a vampire, or else Evangeline would have been ousted as 'Hottest Badass Vamp' already…

Why is Riza wearing Kim Possible's clothes?

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Still Not A WerePire Couple!

A/N: and here's the next chap. Really busy in RL, so updates will be as random as the content.

By the way: tvtropes. org/pmwiki /pmwiki. php/Main/CrackFic

* * *

Werepire Les-YAY!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Princess Resurrection, other anime and manga, not mine. Please don't sue me.

* * *

Riza and Reiri sat at opposite far ends of the dinner table, plotting. They were perfectly aware some idiots would construe this as 'proof' they were an item, but at this point they'd construe the two of them trying to kill each other as merely signs of 'underlying sexual tension', so it couldn't be helped.

"There has to be a way to get people off our backs," Riza growled, feeling a distinct urge to bite something.

"One rumor is all we need," Reiri said, not really agreeing. "One strong, rapidly-disseminated rumor."

"We just tell everyone we're not a couple!" Riza declared, slamming a fist on the table, making it jump.

"That won't do any good," Reiri said with a knowing air. "People are already convinced we are, distasteful as it is. A direct denial would just confirm it in everybody's minds."

"What kind of messed up logic is that?"

"You're never watched a romance anime, have you?"

"Does Ranma ½ count?"

Reiri raised an eyebrow.

"Oh…" Riza said. "Gotcha."

"If TV has taught us anything, it is that we need to stage an elaborate charade so that it really sinks in into people's heads." Reiri mused. "Something that'll knock it into the head of anyone but the most rabid shipper…"

The two looked sideways at the door, where their supernatural senses were telling them that Hiro and Sawawa were both lurking.

"Can't we just beat them up?" Riza groused.

"Hiro's immortal, and Hime would do horrible things to you if you did anything to the person who makes her tea," Reiri said, sighing in disappointment. "Unfortunately, we'll need a different kind of plan."

"Like what?"

A twisted expression of distaste came on Reiri's face. "Have you ever…" her face twisted even more, and she spat out the last words like it was broccoli. "Have you ever been on a date?"

* * *

It was an earth-shattering event if Hime blinked.

She did it twice in as many seconds, then stared at her teacup suspiciously. There were no powders in the bottom or any built up materials in the edges to indicate any drugs or other mind-altering substances. She didn't taste any alcohol. Or anything else…

"Say that again?" Hime said, her voice so level you'd need some sort of laser micrometer to measure how much she'd been moved.

"I need," Riza began again, voice deadpan and slightly dead, with generous splashes of disgust at the edges, "your advise on what to wear on a date."

It took a Green Lantern-ian force of will for Hime to keep her eyelids from twitching. "You need advise on dating wear," she repeated. "What for?"

Riza's face twitched. "For a date, obviously." It was quite interesting, how the entire left side of her face was twitching like that.

"A date," Hime repeated. "With Reiri?"

The right side of Riza's face began twitching. "Yes," she ground out. "Obviously." It was quite an effect, how the left and right side of her face were alternating in their twitching.

Hime nodded in understanding. "Ah. And what makes you think I'd have any advise to give?"

Hime had never seen Riza move so quickly as the moment when Riza suddenly ended up clutching at her legs, and pleading.

"PLEASE! You have to be able to help me! Otherwise I'd have to ask Sawawa, and that would be unbearable!" Riza cried.

Hime exchanged glances with Flandre, shrugged a "Fuga". "Fine," she said. "I will assist you. What kind of make-up do you have?"

Riza gave Hime a deep, soulful look.

"Of course you don't have any make-up," Hime said, tapping her lips. "Well, that simplifies matters…"

* * *

Reiri awoke to someone knocking on her coffin.

Lethargically, she pushed the lid open, to find Riza looming over her. "Your face is twitching rhythmically," she noted.

"Don't you ever wash that uniform?" Riza snapped back. "Honestly, is it black because of all the dirt?"

"You're in a mood," Reiri said, sitting up and stretching. "How's your end of the plan?"

"Why do I have to dress up?!?" Riza snapped. "If you can go on a date wearing that, I can go in my normal clothes!"

"I refuse to go on a date with someone who dresses like a Disney heroine," Reiri said loftily.

"Your coffin would make _so_ many stakes…" Riza growled threateningly.

"Leave Alira-chan out of this!"

"Kami, you _named_ it?!?!"

"Fuga?" Flandre said as she mopped the floor

"WE ARE _NOT_ HAVING A LOVERS QUARREL!"

* * *

And so, as school let out, the people of the Hiro and Reiri's high school were treated to the weird sight of Riza… wearing Lilianne's idea of date-wear.

"Hime has no taste," Riza growled to herself, feeling highly uncomfortable in the skirt she was wearing. "Seriously, how many of these things does she _have_?!?!?!"

When Reiri exited the school grounds surrounded by her groupies-slash-food-herd after a mostly-pleasant day, having mostly forgotten about her and Riza's plan, she was forcibly recalled to it when someone suddenly shoved a bouquet of flowers in the general direction of her face.

"Hey," Riza's voice said from somewhere behind the flowers– lilies, Reiri noted– tone bland, flat and just barely on the opposite side of an omnicidal rampage. "Ready for our date, Reiri..." there was a strangled growl, "-chan?"

Reiri, blinking and stomach suddenly contracting unpleasantly as memory of their half-baked weird-assed plan came back, moved the lilies out of the way. The reply she'd set herself to give was momentarily abandoned as she saw… "What are you _wearing_?"

One of Riza's inu-ears twitched out of her hair for a brief moment in tandem with a spontaneous facial tic. "Hime _generously _lent it to me, what with me not having any date-clothes of my own," she said, voice poisonously saccharine.

Reiri took in the knee-high black boots, the white-lace trimmed skirt, the bosom contouring bodice, long black glove-like arm things.

Hime's dress looked strangely good on the werewolf.

"It's…" the vampire was aware of how her usually placidly cow-like girls suddenly looked like a hair away from turning into jealous wolves. She imagined them tearing Riza apart in a shower of blood. The thought was quite satisfying… and a bit arousing. "It's very nice on you," she managed to say, the mental image giving her voice the right amount of dreamy.

The voice puzzled Riza slightly, dulling the edge of her general overall creep-out and pulling her voice closer to normal. "Uh, thanks," she said, "Glad you like it. Come on, let's get going."

That wasn't the end of it, of course. Reiri made a big show taking the flowers, and taking a deep whiff, giving Riza a flirtatious look she usually only used to mess with Hiro's head. To her credit, Riza managed to keep a straight face.

Even when Reiri glomped around one of her arms like an amorous octopus, leaving the bouquet and her school bag to one of her cute little kine to take care of. Even when Reiri began to whisper what sounded like sweet nothings against Riza's ear. Even when they slowly began to walk away from the school.

Even when they heard, from across the school yard, Hiro say, "Hah! Knew it!"

Riza's arm became rock-hard beneath Reiri's grip, and the vampire continued to whisper her ear. "don't kill anyone, we can make their lives hell later, Hiro's immortal, you can make him suffer all you want so long as there's enough of him alive to satisfy Hime…"

* * *

Sherwood looked up, frowning as Hiro suddenly slammed the door of her parlor open.

"Riza and Reiri are on a date and Riza's wearing a dress because of it!" Hiro gasped, panting, evidently having run all the way from his school.

Sherwood's jaw dropped only briefly before she clenched a fist, thrusting it into the air. "HAH! KNEW IT!"

"Fuga," Francesca said in agreement, adjusting her glasses,

Sherwood suddenly frowned, looking at Hiro. "Wait, why are you here?"

"Hime-sama wouldn't have found it interesting," Hiro said.

Sherwood considered her sister. "Yes, she probably wouldn't. Well, let's get going. Francesca, retrieve the expedition gear! As members of the royal family, we have a responsibility to observe and record the rare creatures of the world! And a lesbian werewolf and a vampire on a date definitely count!"

* * *

Across town, Hime was playing BlazBlue and quite definitely did _not_ sneeze when the others were talking about her. Because she's just that awesome.

* * *

"Expedition journal notes," Sherwood said into her recorder. "We have identified the near-mythical species, _canis lupus hominis lesbianus amoris vampirus _and _Desmodontinae __hominis lesbianus amoris lycanus_, in what appears to be an equally near-mythical situation; in the midst of the preliminary stages of their mating rituals. Further information will be added as it is observed."

So saying, she flicked off the recorder, adjusting her sunglasses as she peaked over the top of the menu she was holding. Next to her, Hiro, also wearing sunglasses, did the same, though he felt less confident than Sherwod did about the effectiveness of this disguise.

Especially since Francesca and Ryu-Ryu sat opposite them at the table.

"Francesca, can your sensors pick up what they're saying?" Sherwood hissed at her gynoid.

"Fuga," Francesca confirmed.

"Can you relay what they're saying?" Sherwood said.

Francesca nodded. "Fuga fuga," she said. "Fuga. Fuga fuga fu-gah…"

"Can you understand what she means?" Hiro asked Sherwood.

Sherwood scowled. "You're punishing me for not reading you manual yet, aren't you?" she accused the robot.

Ryu-Ryu held up a wooden sign, writing scribbled on it. _She's saying they're whispering sweet nothings to each other. _

The two shorter beings stared at the two taller ones. "Where did that sign come from?" Hiro said, pointing.

Sherwood swatted his hand. "That's impolite."

_I'm getting lessons from this guy named Genma on the Panda Net,_ Ryu-Ryu 'said'. _Yogi set us up…_

* * *

"Achoo!"

Splash!

Saotome Genma, however, was _not_ that awesome, and was promptly thrown into a koi pond.

* * *

"If we bagpiping kill them, I'm sure one of Hime's other siblings will let us live with them," Riza growled into Reiri's ear.

Reiri made a show of kissing the other girl's knuckles, and could practically _feel_ the blood of every man in the restaurant heading south of the border and start building skyscrapers. "Not yet. First we do the plan, then we indulge in some destruction."

"You better be right about this," Riza said, teeth grinding almost audibly as she nuzzled Reiri's hair. "Explain to me again how this is supposed to make us seem _les_ like a couple? Because even _I _can tell the opposite is happening!"

"Patience," Reiri said, suckling on a finger in a manner less suggestive and more a shade shy of pornography. "Just trust me. I didn't get to be this powerful by giving interviews and sparkling, you know."

* * *

Beyond the dot net, were what is not written about existed, there was the sound of a sneeze, and in some sleepy Washington town, someone sneezed, causing his head to explode in a shower of sparkles, and therefore setting his house on fire, killing everyone in it, including his family, his baby, the pedophile who was after his baby and most _especially_ his baby's mother, finally doing what a fall from a cliff and the survival instinct of a Federation Starship Security Officer who was not a main character could not.

And the people rejoiced.

* * *

"So, are we a couple?" Nagisa asked Honoka.

"We hold hands with fingers entwined a lot, frequently get naked while in physical contact, have been willing to give our lives for each other, and spend a lot of private time together," Honoka said, counting down on her fingers. She paused. "Also, we're both naked on my bed on a Saturday afternoon."

Nagisa nodded. "Right, just checking."

And they went back to… bagpiping.

* * *

**- To be continued...**

* * *

A/N: yes, I went there. My fair-and-equal representation policy only goes so far.

The **Unusual Euphemism **'Bagpiping' comes from _How I Met Your Mother_.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Definitely Not A WerePire Couple!

A/N: I have no idea if Las Vegas allows gay weddings. Why spoil the fun with facts?

........................................

Werepire Les-YAY!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Princess Resurrection, other anime and manga, not mine. Please don't sue me.

........................................

The date seemed to pass in a blur. Riza found herself ordering sake, hoping the alcohol would make the time go faster, then ordering more when Reiri began stealing from her bottle. Regardless, the vampire kept up a steady stream of flirtations, just audible enough innuendoes and other deliberate pieces of fan service for those watching– which, at last count, had included Hiro, Sherwood, Sherwood's people, Zeppeli , Reiri's 'herd', some random loli-goth enthusiasts who'd caught sight of Riza's dress, and a few of the more stalker-ish stalkers– to convince them of the authenticity of the scene.

The plan had been for Riza to make an inappropriate pass at Reiri– a point she'd argued over their entire planning session, since Reiri was the one who was going to be acting completely shamelessly– at which point the vampire would slap her, and they'd have this big break up. Unfortunately, they both forgot to account for the introduction of alcohol in this plan.

When they woke up the next morning, they were both butt naked, cuddled together on a heart-shaped bed, hand-cuffed together by an ankle, and for some reason their mouths both tasted of lime beans.

Their eyes met, gazes locked as they both internally took stock of these facts. Both became conscious of the fact that their noses were touching, and Reiri realized she was sucking on Riza's lower lip. Riza realized one of her hands was squeezing something squishy at chest level, and it didn't belong to her.

The two of them jerked back, a move that was complicated by the fact their legs had been entwined, and they both fell partly off the bed, their legs arcing over the mattress connected by the handcuffs.

"The _**HELL?!?!?!?!?!**_" Riza spat out, looking wildly around. The dress she'd been wearing the night (?) before had been thrown carelessly on the floor, a pair of interesting tears at breast-level. One of the gloves she'd been wearing was tied around her head, pushed up as if it had been used as a blindfold.

Reiri meanwhile, was similarly taking stock, and her eyes focused on the view afforded out the window. There was a stylized city skyline across the street, combining aspects of New York, Sydney, Los Angeles and others. "Are we in Las Vegas?" she said, confused.

At these words, Riza growled, slapping a hand on her forehead and dragging it down in frustration, then howling as something on her hand caught at her face. She glared at the offending object.

It was a ring.

At the other side of the bed, Reiri was staring at a similar object.

Out on the street, several floors below, people looked up as a pair of feminine screams echoed through the skies.

There was a beat.

"Why," Reiri said, "Is my ass full of rug burns?"

Riza screamed again.

........................................

After screaming for the good part of an hour, Reiri had the presence of mind to call the front desk and ask if they needed to check out yet.

After finding out they still had another day, Riza went back to screaming. Reiri checked if the buffet was still open. She eventually found most of her clothes, as well as the cuff keys, though she was slightly distressed to find her favorite pair of black lace panties had apparently been dipped in lima bean soup. And shredded. With teeth. She threw them as far away as she could.

Riza, after finally calming down, stared at the torn dress, with their interestingly-placed tears. "Hime is going to kill me," she said.

"You'll probably thank her for it," Reiri said, opening the closet. "Maybe there's something in the…" A pause.

"What?"

Wordless, Reiri drew out a short, tight black shirt and a pair of green cargo pants. A note was tacked on.

_You will pay for this._ The handwriting was quite distinctive.

"Do you think they have any silver around here?" Riza said.

........................................

Hime was waiting for them when they came down to eat. So was everyone else.

"Sherwood says you don't have to pay her back for using her credit card," Hime said as she sipped her tea. "Apparently, she's filing it under research expenses. By the way, could I please have the handcuff keys?"

She raised her other hand, where Hiro had been chained.

"Here's your marriage license, by the way," he said, handing them a folded piece of paper.

Face dead, Riza took the sheet and methodically tore it apart.

"Ah, a secret marriage. Understood."

As wordlessly, Reiri reached over and twisted Hiro's head around completely.

Hime rubbed her wrist as she uncuffed herself, frowning down at Hiro. "Please don't do that to my husband again."

"You too?" Riza said, quite unenthusiastic.

Hime raised a bouquet. "You were quite insistent when I caught it."

Riza collapsed on a chair, head thumping on the table, arms coming up to cover her head as if she was assuming the crash position. "We're screwed."

"No, that was just you two," Hime said. "_He_ fainted."

........................................

Meanwhile, in another hotel, Sherwood and Sawawa stared at each other.

"So…" Sawawa said. "We're married."

Sherwood glowered slightly, then sighed, shrugging. "Meh, it's worth it. Pull up the blanket, will you?"

"Yes, it is freezing, isn't it…"

........................................

"Fuga?" Flandre said, looking up at Ryu-Ryu.

"Hrg?" the panda said, looking at the undressed gynoid on the bed next to him.

"Fuga," Francesca said at Ryu-Ryu's other side.

The three looked at each other, shrugged, and the two maids went looking for their clothes.

........................................

**- To be continued...**

........................................

A/N: When lacking plot, CRACK!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. WE DON'T WANT TO BE A WEREPIRE COUPLE!

A/N: whatta you know. There was more to milk from this.

...

Werepre Les-YAY!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Princess Resurrection, other anime and manga, not mine. Please don't sue me.

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The answering machine was overflowing.

_BEEP! __"Reiri, this is Zeppeli. So glad to hear you finally got married. While I don't understand your werewolf fetish, as a true and understanding friend I support you 100 percent! Though I'm sure you'll understand if I never talk to you in public again. I have a reputation to keep, after all. Anyway, I'll be sending you my wedding present, you'll love it, it's this wonderful dinette set–"_

_BEEP! __"RIZA, YOU BITCH, HOW DARE YOU DISHONOR OUR REIRI-SAMA, WHEN WE GET OUR HANDS ON YOU–!"_

_BEEP! __"Lillianne-chan it's your big sister Sylvia! Just calling to let you know I heard the __**WONDERFUL**__ news of your nuptials! I'm SO disappointed I wasn't invited. Just because we are at war, little sister, is no reason why we cannot be family! I will be visiting soon to meet your new husband and see if he is a suitable match. Toodles, sister dearest!"_

_BEEP__ "Riza, this is Keziah. HAVE YOU GONE INSANE?-!-?-!-?-!-?-! What kind of a werewolf are you? Next you're going to name your kid something stupid, like 'Renesmee' or something. Have you no werewolf pride?Have you no–! "_

_BEEP! __"Hello, this is Goliath National Bank. Would you like to purchase some Royalty insura–?"_

_BEEP __"Reiri, this is your aunt Evangeline! How DARE you marry some dog! Is this how the eldest daughter of the family should behave? Because of your lewd example, the cousin Duckula is switching to vegetarianism, and don't even get me __**started**__ on this absurd idea your uncle Angel has for a detective agency–!"_

_BEEP! __"Riza, this is your uncle Kotaro! How DARE you marry some bloodsucker! Is that any way for an honorable werewolf to behave? Do you want to be disowned, like the Earth clan and that cousin Akira of yours and his affair with that vampire princess? If you don't anull this marriage right away– OW! Natsumi-chan let go of my ear! Look, she's making a big mistake, I can't let her– No, Natsumi-chan, not the leek, not the leek–!"_

"Huh," Riza said, the first bit of enthusiasm she'd had since they got home. "Good old aunt Natsumi."

Hiro was blinking at the sheer number of messages. "How come so many people know? We only just got back this morning."

"Fuga," Flandre explained eloquently.

"Ah," Hiro said. "I see. That make perfect sense."

Sawawa stuck her head into the room. "Riza-chan, you're cousin Jacob is outside. He says he wants to congratulate you for finally going fang, whatever that means."

Wordlessly, Riza picked up Hime's chainsaw and ripped back the cord. The motor flared to life.

"Bring it back with a full tank of gas," Hime said, already deeply immersed in a cup of tea.

Riza just nodded as she stepped out into the entrance hall. The whirl of the chainsaw resounded over screams of dismemberment.

Riza came back covered with blood, diligently filling the chainsaw from a gas can.

Sawawa stuck her head in again. "Reiri, it's your cousin Edward and his wife. They're here to congratulate you on your marriage."

Wordlessly, Reiri took the chainsaw from Riza, revving it up after ripping the cord. She stepped out into the entrance hall. Once more the whirl of the chainsaw resounded over screams of dismemberment.

Sawawa clapped her hands together. "How nice! They really suit each other!"

"Kill me now," Riza groaned.

...

**- To be continued...****?**

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A/N: Does it show how much I dislike what Stephenie Meyer has done to the once-cool word 'Twilight'?

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
